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it's times like now and yesterday that make me wish we were still a bit more dependent on communication via letter and post >.>

Holiday Blues

christmas has come and gone, and yet this year, like the past several, I feel little shift within me. Society always tries to build up christmas to be this HUGE turning point in your life that's supposed to happen every year, but for me it's mostly just a day when I realize that I'm more miserable than I'd like to be. All it caused within me this year was to reflect on all the things I've messed up in my life this past year, and why I'm not as happy as I thought I was 365 days ago. Last year around this time I was doing well in school, my family was reasonably less dysfunctional than usual, and a boy was starting to have a considerable influence in my life. Now all I have are reminders of how I screwed up my grades this past semester, how my family is slowly being torn apart, and why I don't have that boy anymore.

it's mostly the latter that lingers on my mind, and usually when I'm trying to fall asleep at night, or in my dreams. He haunts me, partially because of our decently great relationship, but mostly because of how I ended it so harshly without even realizing my feelings until much too late. ...the regret sometimes is nearly torturous.

Marcel Proust: "We can only heal our suffering by experiencing it to the full."

Well, I've been trying. The regret keeps the wound open and jealousy becomes the salt being poured onto it, but I try to keep my head held high (to be horribly cliche >.>), because, you see, this boy still has a huge influence on me and I can't lose him, not completely, so most days I fight for him, and for the hope that eventually I won't die a pathetic, lonely spinster.

Return of the Gamer

last night it seems that I've made a bit of an accidental discovery of the gamer which apparently still resides within me. bored, but not quite yet tired, when the rest of my family had retired to bed, I turned on our PS3 and the rest...? Well, let's just say I spent roughly three hours straight playing Assassin's Creed II and am back at it again as soon as I finish this. It's like I've had ten years of pent-up gamer frustration O.O

Home Again? part II

home feels familiarly bittersweet--sweet like seeing an old friend but bitter like running into the one that got away...

Home Again?

Done with finals so I guess technically the semester's done and over with. Head home tomorrow, though. Part of me wishes I could stay but part of me just wants to get the HELL outta here, and mostly for the same reasons--or, rather, reason. I just want the bitterness to stop eating at me like acid on an open wound; I don't know how much more I can take of all these ugly feelings pent up inside me before I do something irrational and explode--or rather, even worse, implode. ....and yet somehow I feel like this is one of those wounds that isn't ever going away....

An Amazing Boy and a Plain old fungus.

The last time I slept in a bed, you were there too.
The last time I touched someone's lips, they were yours.
The last time someone made me smile, you were the reason.
The last time my heart beat faster, you were the cause.
The last time I have wanted you here with me, is every last moment since I have left.
-Salvitore Abimy'on

I wish I wrote this--partially because it's beautifully, wonderfully romantic in a cheesy, but not overly cheesy, way AND...well. I may or may not have someone I could say this for. Except I'm not sure if he feels the same way anymore, or ever can. Which, of course, hurts, but I can only hope. I can only hope that, even if not him, some guy will at least be able to put up with me for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, yadda yadda yadda... Because my worst fear has become, not for heights or that peanut butter will stick to the roof of my mouth, but that I am doomed to live a lonely, pathetic existence and die a lonely, pathetic spinster who was never able to find a way to properly open herself up to another person before death oh-so-severely wrenched her away without ever having learned "to love and be loved in return" (yes, that was a Moulin Rouge reference O.o).

Starting about January this year this guy got me thinkin' maybe that wouldn't be so....

But then of course last month I had to go and blow that whole thing right up, which has now exploded back into my face in a whirling mass of chaos and destruction.....

But that's another story. Let's not get off topic.

And by topic, I of course mean uh.....

Ahem. Well. I guess I basically just wanted to say here (to whoever cares) that all because of one Charlie Brown kiss and a boy with amazing eyes, I have now let myself become a muddled mass of confused, frustrated, STUFF that has been constantly distracting me from pretty much EVERYTHING. I can't stop thinking about this boy, that boy, what I said, what he said, what should I do, how should I react, should I react, how can I tell if he's into me--if I'm into him? does he love me? do I love him? what is love? what should it feel like? is it different for every person? should I worry about being his mrs. right or just  being me? does it matter? does integrity matter as long as you're with someone you love? is all really fair in love and war?

And that's just HALF of it. This shit has been goin' through my head on repeat like nobody's business for the past 72 HOURS. Won't even really let me sleep. I feel like this is what it would be like if you mixed a zombie with a sloth. Except that's just physically. MENTALLY, I feel like this is what it would be like if you gave a puppy TEN SHOTS OF ESPRESSO, because I CAN'T STOP thinking about love this, love that, boy this, boy that... >.>

*Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh* Well. Also, to that boy out there with the amazing eyes (who I oh-so-fully gave into in a moment of hopefully held breath and fluttering heart this past February), whatever happens to us as we were or as we become, I just hope that "if you ever find a moment, spare a thought for me....."









And yes, that WAS a Phantom of the Opera reference XP.

so this is what it feels like to have a nervous breakdown and emerge crazy at the other end....

Loneliness

I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone.
--World's Greatest Dad (film, 2009)

A NEW STORY?!?

been thinkin about starting a new story--and in the 1st person, which I haven't done in YEARS. more updates soon, but to give ya a taste it'll be set in the present day and just about normal old growing pains told in a (I hope) unique way. it's still in the conceptual stage, but i'm thinkin about posting a section on here to see if I should keep goin with it.

Anyway, it's late and I've gotta pack for going back to school tomorrow, so for now--peace out girl scouts!! =]

Wishing for the Cloths of Heaven

This has got to be one of my absolute FAVORITE poems out there. Every time I hear it I just want to purrrrrrrrr X) I LOVE ITTTT!!!

He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven
by William Butler Yeats (not to be confused with Keats O.o)
Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
enwrought with golden and silver light,
the blue and the dim and the dark cloths
of night and light and half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
but I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

New Name

yes, yes I know I'm stealing the title from my previous blog, but I was startin to feel like a change was necessary and I couldn't think of any better ones.

Besides, it's a rather awesome title, I must say XP
((with all due credit, of course, to the AWESOME song by Anchor&Braille, of which I am--*cough*--borrowing this title from))

Love Confusion

Love is a complicated thing
Which is not supposed to hang on a string
It's supposed to be strong
Yet I don't know what's going wrong
Just feel lost and confused
Maybe cause my heart has been so abused
Fell in love once, real hard
And it broke me completely apart
So maybe I just lost the touch of love
Or maybe I'm just empty of.

(by Jade Ali. Found at:
http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/love-confusion-5/ )

Poor Jack

oh my goodness gracious, great balls of fire it's been a while!! sorry it has been O.o Turns out junior year of college is more time-consuming than the last two years. but anywayyyyy..... the past couple days i've been somewhat constantly listening to the songs from The Nightmare Before Christmas--maybe because Halloween's sneaking up rather quickly, or maybe just because i think they're AWESOME X)

well, either way, i was just listening to 'Poor Jack' and I kind of can't get over it's awesomeness. I mean, Jack's singing about his own failure, and yet he's still able to pick himself right back up again? And do so in an excellent piece of music? hot daaaaammnnn.

((for those who haven't had the pleasure, let me introduce you to the Pumpkin King himself:

And while we're (kind of) on the topic of Halloween, I am SO excited!! My costume's going to be a femme fatale, but mostly--to be honest--I'm looking forward to being able to hang with a bunch of people that I've only really been able to see like once a week so far [due to my living off-campus this year :(

But come this weekend.... HA! i feel like I'm going to literally BURST with excitement!! (semi-)fortunately, though, i only have to wait two more daaaayyyssss....... =]

Voltaire

Men who seek happiness are like drunkards who can never find their house but are sure that they have one.

Love Tirade

Ahhh that infamous enigma called love. I used to dream of it, of the passion I read about in countless novels and saw in countless movies. A ghost of a man used to haunt me, his actual face and figure never quite clear, since of course that isn't what matters---but the spark, that electricity. Just from seeing that someone, talking to them, hearing their voice; that otherwise inexplicable rush....

I used to believe in that love, the love of fools---that I could have it.

But I'm starting to wonder if I've been a fool for thinking so, and the hopeless romantic I've been has begun wilting into an unfortunate cynic. Looking around me, though, I'm starting to think that the aforementioned love is merely the talk of fiction, and even if it's real it's much too rare to base my life on.

People just don't love like that anymore (if they ever did).

They just don't.

Swatch!!

lol so I've moved over from my old blog to this new one, so I'll be on this one more I PROMISE. right, 'cause I have SOOO many followers now. hopefully i'll manage to grab more as time goes on. if not, I'll keep talking to myself. either way, I'll be hereeeee X)

Mirror, Mirror

everyone struggles with self-identity, and unfortunately, I am no exception. Except see, I've got a bit of a hole in my chest. Not... literally, mind you. I wasn't shot, or nothin. It's a completely hypothetical hole, a metaphorical hole. in my chest. like part of me's been missin. like... god forgot to fill in this one spot, this spot in the middle of my... soul, if you will. and i have no idea how to fill it. hell, i've got theories, sure, but none of 'em have worked so far. lately it's got me wonderin: can it be filled? am i, like.... doomed to be empty? 'cause it sucks. might almost want to make me commit suicide, but the whole empty thing's got me a bit apathetic to such a situation, or life and death in general.

for the first ohhhhhh i don't know.... 15 years or so of my life, i could've cared less to be completely independent and off in my own little world for the rest of my days. hell, when i was younger i hardly interacted with others unless they interacted with me, i had an imagination to beat the band--and talking blades of grass and pencils as my action figures to go along ;) --and i wasn't afraid to dance or sing when i heard a good song--to hell with whatever i was doin' prior or whoever was around, they were just more of an audience for me to perform to!!

damn i miss those days. but!! just around the beginning of high school (and luckily after that lovely awkwardness of puberty O.o), something inside me started changing. like... emotionally-wise. I suppose it happened nice and slow, although perhaps i just didn't notice it till one day when i was sitting in class, half-listening as usual, but instead of my mind drifting to pondering on the plot lines on one of my novels in the works or flatlining to a blissfully blank homeostasis, i found myself thinking about how i didn't have any friends. now, i had plenty of acquaintances, people i could say hello to, shoot the shit, but i didn't have anyone i could actually talk to. but!! what bothered me most was when i realized how far i'd distanced myself even from my own family! and once i'd realized it, there was no forgettin it, as is the unfortunate circumstance with realizations.

anyway, somehow i doubt the world wants to hear the sad, sad story of my life. point is, once i'd thought about how--by being so 'independent'--i'd walled myself off from the world, once i stepped out of my blissfully ignorant little bubble, i also noticed that little hole i mentioned before. well, to tell the truth, it's not exactly little. and, as i believe i've also mentioned before, i can't figure out how to fill it.

at first it was excruciating, havin that piece of me missin' and not being able to get rid of it; i used to have dreams about sittin on a swing set in an empty playground and then when i woke, curl up in my bed as far into fetal position i could and let the depression, the hopelessness, wreck havoc on me until i was shudderin' and sobbin', albeit quietly (to not wake my sister on the bunk below), into my pillow.

then i went to college, met some people who reminded me what it feels like to really laugh, like those laughs that got you rolling on the floor and tears pourin and you hee-hawin' like a complete idiot. i have them to thank for showing me the door to breaking down that wall between me and the world. and because of them (and you know who you are, you goddamn scoundrels!! XP) i don't spend any more nights like that, all raw and vulnerable and so close to despair.

but!! i am still empty. true, i've reconnected with the world, with my family, but i still haven't reconnected with myself. a funny notion, you might think, but i've been thinkin a lot about the whole "who am i?" rigmarole a lot the past few months, and frankly, i ain't much likin what i've been comin up with. because, truth is, i ain't been comin up with much of anythin'. and that bothers me quite a bit, ya see. 'cause way i see it is i'm near quarter way through my life and i still hardly have a sense of who i am. i mean, i know i'm hardly yet 20, but shouldn't i at least have an inkling? hell, all i've got so far is i love to write and i love music (though i suck at playin it >.>). now what the hell is that to go on? and i'm in the middle of a what is it now?.... four month? -long relationship with this wicked cool guy, and yet.... i've been thinkin about breaking up with him. why? well let's see, so far my subconscious has suggested the excuses of "i want to find more of my identity before i get into a real serious relationship", "i just... can't love you the way you love me", and that oh-so-goddamn-cliche "it's not you, it's me." i mean, really? that's the best i could do?

it's pathetic. this whole thing is just pathetic. especially since.... recently i kind of can't stop thinking about this guy--and no, i don't mean my boyfriend. that's right, a different guy. i can't stop thinking about him. and before you ask, no i haven't been fantasizing about him. nothing sexual anyway (besides kissing O.o, but that usually doesn't last long 'cause then i feel guilty). he just tends to be... on my mind a lot. like, a LOT. to the point where i get the feeling if i did break up with my boyfriend it would be to fling myself at this guy. and yes, i used 'fling' on purpose. because that's what i would probably do, albeit in my own awkward little way.

i mean last year (before i was dating, or had even met, my current bf) i used to have a crazy crush on this other guy. every time i saw him i'd feel literally, physically, breathless and my mind would just draw a complete blank on what i could maybe say to him. hmm. it was like in hospitals when someone flatlines and there's that green line on the prompter and that annoying long beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeppp!! except, of course, my heart would be pounding faster than a damn field mouse's and my palms would get all sweaty and i wouldn't know what to say so i'd just smile and nod except then he'd ask me something and it'd hit me that i hadn't actually been listening to what he'd been saying i'd just been listening to the sound of his voice and my knees would start shaking and ohhhhhhhh daaaaaammmmmnnnnnn, i've never had a crush so bad on someone. i almost felt like i belonged in a damn preteen romance novel, or something. *sighhh*

so. you're probably wondering why i'm not dating that guy. well, first of all i'm 80% sure he thinks i'm a clumsy introverted nerd with inept social skills (when really said skills are only really "inept" when he's involved), aaannnnnddddd i doubt he's interested in me, for god's sake. i mean, not to be a total pessimist, but i'm definitely no looker (not enough for guys to notice anyway--trust me, i've had the pleasure of experience >.>) and my personality's sure no charmer, especially in comparison to this guy's eyes. damn, i hate to be awfully cliche, but damn that boy has some gorgeous blue eyes.....

but!! he took last fall semester off to go off and about somewhere's (i forget where exactly, he only told me once last year and i haven't exactly had the chance to talk to him much since) to hike and be all wilderness-esque, so i didn't get to see him till this past spring and even then i only saw him several, unfortunately brief, times. and by then i was goin steady with my current boyfriend (let's call him... John), so it wasn't like i could try and 'fling' myself at him then, even if i had been able to pull myself together for five minutes in his presence.

i met 'John' not this past spring, but a year before that, and.... ha, i remember then i used to think he was a stalker (albeit a benign one) with the way he used to tail me around after class and whenever he saw me on campus and such. still thought so for a good chunk of this past school year, to be honest. but then... i found myself kinda likin his company. then, a day or two before thanksgiving break, we go for a, uh... walk through the trees around campus before one of my afternoon classes, and it gets close to the time when i should be heading to said class (seeing how it was nearly on the other side of campus from where we were at the time) so i turn to head back through the woods, but i hesitate. for some goddamn reason. and he says, "One more thing before you go." And i don't even think, i just turn and he says, "C'mere," in a voice i'd later come to adore. anyways i take a couple steps towards him, and he reaches out, tucks my bangs behind my ear, and kisses me. now, at this point i'd never been able to even think of such a thing, but at the time it felt natural as ever. with the combination of the atmosphere and the actual kiss, i'm convinced that that was one of the best kisses i've ever had and probably will ever have. was the damn sweetest thing ever =]

still, though, took till this February for me to agree to try goin' steady with him. and he's been pretty awesome. he adores me, thinks i'm beautiful (as he tends to tell me at least every other day), doesn't care that i can get a little introverted, at least partially shares my passion for listening to music (i don't think anyone could fully match up, though, lol), and--this is probably the clincher--he noticed me first. not my sister, not my friends, or my roommate, but ME. he noticed ME!! and i gotta tell ya, that feeling never gets old. like seriously, pretty much the only downsides with this guy are that he has a habit of losing at least 10 yrs of maturity when he's drunk (and yet somehow increases his sexual deviance? don't ask me, i sure as hell don't get it lol), he gets mad a little to easily--especially when at himself--and hardens into a shell i sometimes fear he won't come out of, and it appears that (at least when sober) he seems a bit scared to suggest anything slightly sexually deviant (when he's drunk he doesn't bother asking O.o). the former two i can deal with; everyone has their flaws, right? but that latter point is just damn annoying. i mean, i would suggest stuff but then i know he would give me that look he gives me like.... i don't know. like he's half-surprised, half-impressed, and half-amused that i would suggest such a thing! (and yes, i am aware that there's no such thing as 3 halves >.>)

hmpf! damn boy needs to cut it out, get over his insecurities about his appearance, and explode already!! in... a good way, i mean. being metaphorical again.

anywayyyyyyy O.o, after writing this whole lenghty rag (which if you're still reading this, i salute you, oh super trooper) i think i know why i've been playing with the idea of breaking up with my boyfriend and using the excuses of how 'he's not sexually deviant enough for me and i just want to find more of my self-identity before i commit to a serious relationship' bullshit. it's... that other guy. obviously i still have a thing for him. i mean, after not really seeing him for a year i've been telling myself that it's worn off and i should just get over it and focus on 'John'. but... i can't. not fully. i don't know what it is. a couple months ago, i was perfectly happy being his girlfriend, but now it's like somehow i've gone back to feeling how i did in those months before February, before i said yes to him--indecisive. like damn annoying indecisive. that, and like something's just... off with me and 'John'. like gears that don't quite line up properly. i mean, the obvious might be that it's because i'm still into this other guy, but.... somehow i get the feeling it's something else too. like a weird restlessness.....

would it be mean to say that i feel like i'm forcing our relationship? when it's just me and him it's great, i rest my head on his chest, listen to his heartbeat, we talk, we kiss, etc etc. but when we're around other people it's like... my feelings completely change. suddenly i'm not content just hanging out with him, holding his hand; that restlessness sets in and i just want to go out and...!! i don't know. do something awesome. which i guess implies that being with him isn't awesome, but that's not... completely true.

i'm just... confused i guess. but i'm also young. maybe god, if there is one, will grant me many more years to figure this shit out. hell, maybe i'll even find an identity someday. in the meantime, i have a really cool guy that it would be a shame to waste, so quit thinkin about that other boy!! ...okay?

FINAL FANTASY!!!!

finally discovered the awesomeness that is Final Fantasy a couple days ago. bought the iv for my DS and kinda can't stop playing it lol (when i'm not all over okami den, of course XP)

as in the words of Anberlin... (my favorite band at the moment)


Up on this hill, in this uncanny house
The wind makes this place creak
The lights, they are flickering 
The moon she is lurking
The clock has stopped working 
At a quarter past three
There's something dancing here in the shadows 
And I wish it were us 

You haunt me baby
You haunt me here tonight 
You haunt me baby
You haunt me here tonight 
Tonight, tonight 

Can't get your memory off of my mind (My mind) 
Just want your heartbeat on top of my mine (On mine) 
There's something dancing here in the shadows
And I wish it were us

You haunt me baby
You haunt me here tonight 
You haunt me baby
You haunt me here tonight 
Tonight, tonight 

Up on this hill, in this uncanny house
Your spirit I can't see, but I still believe...
I can feel your breath on me

You haunt me baby
You haunt me here tonight 
You haunt me baby
You haunt me here tonight 
Tonight, tonight

Up on this hill, in this uncanny house....

Boy with a Coin

something about this song just instantly puts me in a thoughtful trance. i like it. kind of can't stop listening to it O.o 

And totally wish i could dance like this.... 

but anyway, awesome song about some rather negative stuff, but always makes me feel peaceful. like...i'm coming to terms with all the negative stuff in the world, accepting that it's there but just goin with it? idk. either way. awesome song. check it out!!

A boy with a coin he found in the weeds

with bullets and pages of trade magazines

close to a car that flipped on the turn

when God left the ground to circle the world.

A girl with a bird she found in the snow

then flew up her gown and that's how she knows

if God made her eyes for crying at birth

then left the ground to circle the earth.

A boy with a coin he crammed in his jeans

then making a wish he tossed in the sea

walked to a town that all of us burn

when God left the ground to circle the world.

Forget You

Why can't i forget you?
why when i close my eyes
i see your smile
instead of relaxing in his tender arms?
why when he says my name do i hear your laugh?
why when he looks in my eyes,
carefully opening and stepping into my soul,
do i swim in your ocean eyes,
losing myself in a heart long gone and hardly known?

why must i give myself to someone so obviously blind of me?
why is it so hard to realize the dangers of loving someone so deaf?
why can't i see the great man loving me--
why must i be just as blind?

or is there someone out there you're trying to forget too?