Finding My Own Happiness

I find myself at a strange time in my life. For the most part, I'm no longer depressed, which feels pretty great, but I'm still fairly lonely, and I get the feeling that I will be for a while yet. I still find myself pining over A*** more than I'd like to be, but I think that I'm finally starting to get over me (since I get the feeling that he's already moved on from me). I've turned back to writing and reading, my first loves, and I've felt so much better for it. Literature is my love, from classics to sci-fi to YA, and for now it's more than enough. I"m SO over depending on men for happiness. I deserve better. I deserve to find my own happiness.

Madness, Pt. V

I still dream about him sometimes. I dream that he reached out, that he took my hand and helped me keep pace with everyone else. I dream that he saved me.

And that he'd wanted to.

Madness, Pt. IV

It was only later, months later, that I began to wonder if he could be the one who could save me from my madness - and if he would.

I waited. I waited for him to save me.

I don't know if it was because he couldn't or because he wouldn't, but I remained unsaved.

I waited, but I remained lost.

Arguably, I am still lost. I just like to think that I am less lost than I was then.

A Secret Love, Unrequited

With the way things are right now with A***, I've been feeling an almost constant swelling and recoiling of emotions - euphoria one moment in thinking of him, of what it might be like to kiss him, and then despairing the next, believing that he could never be interested in me for more than sex, if even that. I tell myself that it would be easier for me to come to terms with my emotions if I only knew how he felt about me, but his actions tell me so little and I'm much too shy (slash-terrified) to ask him directly....

Thus, it seems, in a moment of despair-like emotions, I have taken to looking up quotes on unrequited love and wallowing in the grief of not knowing how he feels about me. (I found these on goodreads.com)



"Every broken heart has screamed at one time or another: 'Why can't you see who I truly am?'
-Shannon L. Alder

"It's been six weeks," he murmured. "Six weeks I've wanted you. I know how you move, how the sunlight makes a shadow on the curve of your cheek, and the shape of your ear." He chuckled harshly then turned his head on the pillow to look at her. "I'm dying," he said. He dropped his fist against his chest. "Right here, you're killing me."
-The Prince of Midnight, Laura Kinsale

"I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was hurricane."
-Looking for Alaska, John Green

"We're cool," I say calmly, although I feel something else. I feel...sad. Like I've lost something I never quite had.
-The Predicteds, Christine Seifert

"Sometimes no matter how many eyelashes or dandelion seeds you blow, no matter how much of your heart you tear out and slap on your sleeve, it just ain't gonna happen."
-The Fine Art of Truth or Dare, Melissa Jensen

"I want him to see the flowers in my eyes and hear the songs in my hands."
-Dangerous Angels, Francesca Lia Block

"Shut up...let me tell you, LET ME. Every time I look at your face or even remember it, it wrecks me. And the way you are with me and you're just fun and you shit all over me and you make fun of me and you're real. I don't have enough time in any day to think about you enough... I don't even think about women anymore. I think about you."
-Louis C.K.

"But his face had that hollow look, as if there was something gone... you know that look. The inward focus. Distantly attentive to the home you're missing, or the someone you're missing. That look that a bird has when it turns its dry reptilian eye on you. That look that doesn't see you because the mind is filled up with someone it would rather see."
-The Next Queen of Heaven, Gregory Maguire

"...and her dreams that didn't happen, that couldn't have happened because she'd pinned them on somebody too broken and unattainable to love her back."
-My Double Life, Janette Rallison

"Nothing had changed. I was the stupid one again. I was the girl who never understood who she was to people."
-Tell the Wolves I'm Home, Carol Rifka Blunt

"It was September, and there was a crackly feeling to the air. I was saying something that was making her laugh, and I couldn't stop looking at her. It was a little bit chilly, and her cheeks were pink, and her dark hair was flowing around her face. All I wanted for the rest of my life was to keep making her laugh like that. Sometimes our arms brushed against each other as we walked, and it was like I could feel the touch for minutes after it happened."
-Lost and Found, Carolyn Parkhurst

"Sometimes people fall in love with people who do not return the same strength of feelings. It is as it is," he said with a quiet intensity. "What I give, I give freely. You owe me nothing, not love, not friendship, not even obligation."
-Tempting the Bride, Sherry Thomas

Madness, Pt. III

Actually, that's a lie - when I first met him I wasn't entirely sure what to think of him, but I certainly didn't think of him as a possible savior. He was only another boy to me then and I was probably only another girl to him. For some reason, the latter makes me sad to think of.... Although perhaps it is always a small tragedy when someone you care for so much cares so much less for you.

Madness, Pt. II

When I first met him I dared to think that maybe he could be the one to save me from my madness. That was silly, of course, for I wasn't mad, not really, and even then one can only save oneself from madness.